Often times we feel like when we establish a boundary it leads to somehow having a lesser exhilarating experience - actually the reverse is true. Establishing healthy boundaries early on help define who we are in relation to others. Boundaries also help us to recognize what the extends and limits are with others. Personal boundaries are how we teach people who we are and how we would like to be treated in relationships. Next, lets explore the anatomy of a boundary.

A good personal boundary is:

1. direct

2. simple

3. personal

4. intentional

5. based in love

The goal of having a boundary is to protect you from getting hurt. Without them life feels intimidating leaving you feel anxious. Having a sense of boundaries and limits also helps us to connect with our true self. We know when others overstep and intrude into your personal space. It is a great tool and early warning system to help you pivot early. Your boundaries also encompass your beliefs, value systems, cultural norms, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices, wants, needs, and intuitions. They are clear, firm, maintained, and sometimes flexible to remain compassionate.

Speaking from personal experience, this is one area I found myself severely lacking right until my late thirties. Not having any boundaries in my relationships was a very frustrating and stressful experience for me. I found myself often depleted of my energy levels and not having a fulfilling experience with the people I interacted with. It was not until recently during a pivotal transition phase of my life I realized that how not having established my personal, intentional and simple boundaries early on in the relationship I created a stressful experience for myself and my partner.

My biggest challenge was to overcome my fear, related to abandonment in the relationship by establishing boundaries. This challenge led me to be inconsistent with what was acceptable to me and what was not. Though I had a good understanding and strong sense of my inner-self - I fell short of remaining true to myself by not being transparent and communicating early on in my relationship.

In order to establish your boundaries - you must have a good understanding of yourself first. It is the key first step before you begin. Once you have that - you can start by listing the key areas where establishing healthy boundaries will be essential. Especially, if you are just beginning in a new relationship or are working on your current relationship to have a more rewarding and fulfilling experience.

Some examples of healthy boundaries in a relationship -

“Quiet time is sacred to me. It is important for me to have this time for myself for 30 minutes everyday so that I can recharge.”

“When in conflict or a heated argument, I prefer we acknowledge each other respectfully in a loving manner and return to resolve our differences when we are calmer.”

“I prefer we communicate important topics in person where possible over multiple back-and-forth on social media or texting.”

Can your boundaries change over time? Absolutely of course ! It’s normal for boundaries to shift as we gain more life experience or get more comfortable in our relationships. When we establish our boundaries at the beginning of a new relationship, we are still getting to learn about the other person and vice-versa. Hence, we need to remain flexible if there is a boundary that we are willing to revisit once we have more information. On the contrary, we might also realize something crosses a boundary for us after experiencing it for the first time. We each are different individuals are are unique. We have the right to change their mind about what their boundaries are at any time. However, what’s really important is that you’re communicating any boundary changes with your partner and you’re making changes because YOU want to, not because you’re being pressured, forced or manipulated into making them.

To feel safe, in our physical world, our emotional experience, and in our body, we must know that we can expect some sense of autonomy. This is why boundaries are necessary. You deserve to be safe, loved, cherished and respected ! Boundaries play an important role in creating healthy loving relationships that allow you be your authentic self - be YOU.

I encourage each of you to think about the importance of setting boundaries in your relationships. What areas would you find yourself challenged with and how you plan to overcome them? If you still have questions about setting your boundaries, or how to get started, I would be glad to support you through the process - Get it touch with me and / or leave me your comments below.